I told my husband my weight this morning -- and the world did not end.
In the entire time we have been together (8 years of dating plus 26 1/2 years of marriage), I had never told him my weight.
This lovely man has been with me through thick and through thin(ner), and yet I have always carried this secret dread that, if I divulged the number on the scale, he would look at me; repeat the number, pack his bags, and be out the door in a flash.
Guess what? it didn't happen that way at all.
We were out for breakfast at our favourite local diner when the subject of my weight loss came up. He asked me how much weight I was planning to lose. I told him I was hoping to reach about 175 lbs. -- the weight I had been on our wedding day.
The moment the number exited my mouth, I realized the gig was up.
My weight was no longer a secret.
He simply had to add two and two together. Well, to be more precise, he simply had to add 175 lbs. (the weight I hope to achieve) to 111 lb (the amount I am trying to lose) to calculate my starting weight.
Then, if he subtracted how much weight I have lost to date (21 lbs.) he would know what I weigh right now.
I'm not sure he was even aware that any of this information was available to him (clearly there was a certain amount of paranoia at work on my part), but I figured I might as well put the numbers on the table so that dreaded number on the scale would no longer have the same control over me.
What happened next did not play out like the horror movie script in my head.
The world did not end.
My husband did not run screaming from the diner.
He simply told me what I have always known, but refused to believe (until now):
"Your weight has never mattered to me."
We continued on with our meal. And everything was good.
This marks the achievement of a major milestone for me.
One of my biggest fears no longer has hold of me by the throat.
What will I do with this heady new freedom -- the freedom to live my life without being in fear of being judged unlovable by the person I handed my heart to oh-so-many years ago?
It feels great to luxuriate in the possibilities and to feel calm and at peace with myself because I have allowed myself to accept the gift of unconditional love.